Benefits of Dating Someone with Autism
Friday, January 14, 2011 at 12:25PM First and foremost, I want to say that I am not writing this in a subtle attempt to lure any women to wanting to go on a date with me. I am writing today's blog entry because I know of many adults with autism who have a hard time getting dates but who are truly wonderful guys and deserve a chance. I am going to discuss what individuals with autism (primarily males) have to offer another person in terms of a romantic relationship.
1. Loyalty--I strongly believe and know that the majority of us on the autism spectrum are very loyal individuals. When we get attached to someone, we're attached to that person. This can make it hard if we go through a break-up because our grieving period can be longer than many people. In some cases it can be ten to twenty or even more years before we are over a break-up. However, because of that we are much less likely to cheat and we tend to think the world of those closest to us. Relationships are very important to many of us with autism even if it seems we are emotionally distant at times. Often, we just don't know how to express our love to someone else. But, deep down we would never ever think of leaving our partner.
2. Extreme Interest--When we are in a relationship, I believe that many of us with autism desire to know everything about the person we are with. That person becomes the most important person in the world to us, and we actually care to get to know them, really know them. We will pay attention to everything from the clothes our partner wears, every word he/she says, and we will even notice subtle things like books on the bookshelf and other knick knacks laying around the house. We might surprise you with gifts that show we paid attention. The gift could be from something that you casually mentioned months ago like enjoying a certain episode of Buffy. That may have all you spoke about Buffy, but if we notice your enthusiasm for a subject, we will show you that we were paying attention to what you said.
3. Innocent (in a way)--I'm not just talking dating here, but life in general. Many of us with autism just don't have a grasp on some of the meaner aspects of the "real" world. Yes, we know about sex and want sex. I'm not saying we are innocent in that regard. But, we might also not know when someone is taking advantage of us. This is both a good and bad thing. I think for an intimate relationship this is a good thing because we will trust you. So, don't go off and cheat on us. We are very trusting. Which brings me to my next point.
4.Trusting--Most of us with autism are trusting. Yes, this might change if we've had a few bad experiences, but in general we are going to trust you and what you say. I think a lot of people in general have trust issues and this can make things challenging in a relationship. Luckily, that challenge is often not present in a relationship with someone with autism. However, please don't take advantage of the fact that we are very trusting. That is a very mean thing to do that and can be extraordinarily hurtful and take us years to recover whereas someone without autism may just take a few months to recover from. You have the potential to really mess up someone's life for the long-term. So, please be honest.
5. Honesty--In general, most of us with autism are honest and tell very few if any lies. Now, that doesn't mean we can't lie, but most of us lie much less often than the NT (neurotypical) individual. People with autism tend to be very factual and deal and talk with things as they are. This can make it seem like we are bit to the point and overly direct, but at least you know we are telling the truth. Unfortunately, if you ask us if a dress looks good on you, and we feel otherwise, we might voice our honest opinion and say you look like crap. So, there is also that aspect that comes with honesty. But, when we are honest in that way, it is not meant to be hurtful. Oftentimes, we just don't know better. The good thing is that when we do something like that which is hurtful, if you speak to us and tell us what we did wrong, we will learn. We are very quick learners.
6. Quick and Eager Learners--At first, we might not understand a lot of things about dating or making you emotionally happy, but if you tell us and teach us, we will go out of our ways to see that you are happy. We are eager to learn social rules, especially if it makes you happy. Now, you might think that we are stupid that we don't know something that you feel is obvious, but please remember that autism is a social disability and we need people to point out our social deficits throughout life. You might feel like that you shouldn't have to point out the obvious, but I tell you that in the long run it is well worth it, and if you do, I strongly believe that a relationship with an autistic individual will blossom into something truly beautiful.
7. Different Way of Seeing the World--Most of us with autism have what to others seems an unique perspective on the world. Our special perspective can help you grow as an individual. You might consider view points that you never knew existed and you will learn all sorts of things. We tend to be very specialized in an area of interest, and we tend to be very passionate about our interests. Our passion can translate to you also being eager to learn. Because we love it so much, you might end up loving it as well.
8. Drama--Most people with autism are not interested in games and social drama. A lot of us don't even understand those games. We love you and think the world of you. We have no desire to keep you on your toes guessing whether we love you or not. A lot of the fakeness that happens when people first meet people just isn't there. We are not fake with our feelings. We mean what we say and say what we mean.
9. Sex--Most people with autism want to be the best at something, and we want to know everything about something, especially if that is going to make our partner happy. Now, at first, we might not be good in bed, especially if we are virgins or had little experience. But, we are eager to learn and can become very exceptional in sex.
10. Patient--We can wait until the end of the world for you. We are pure-hearted for the most part and have honest intentions. :)
Reader Comments (8)
holy cow, can i identify with this. it hurts a LOT, too. and the more people tell you that your ASD isn't real (which happens to those of us who went undiagnosed for decades, because we learned to compensate, at the expense of our own sanity and self-esteem), or that it's just an excuse, or that you shouldn't define yourself by your disabilities, or that you shouldn't label yourself (or worse, your child), the more you choke with suppressed anger and pain. no wonder so many of us are diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
Thank you for this. My 13-year old son has Asperger's and is just figuring out girls... the honesty, the loyalty, the trust, the utter disdain for/inability to completely grok psychodrama and social head games, everything you describe in this blog entry is all true of him. I hope he finds a girlfriend (and ultimately a wife, should he be so inclined) who values all these things about him and loves him for it... and that he doesn't get his heart broken too many times.
Dear Arman, thank you so much for having written this beautiful entry. It has provided me with the answers and the reassurance I was looking for, and has made me understand why he does the things he does to me. It may seem that the odds are against us, but there must be a good reason as to why I still want to hold on, despite everything that has happened. I have never heard of autism until I met him, and I have never regretted meeting him. The fact that he is autistic makes me appreciate him even more and intensifies my love for him. I am not too young to know that this is love, and not just infatuation. He has made me learn so many things that I never knew I could learn about myself: I never knew I could be this patient and forgiving with anyone at all. He has made me explore all the possibilities that life has to offer through the intellectually stimulating conversations I have had with him. He has made me a better person in ways that even he doesn't realise. It doesn't matter what other people may think of him, because they have not made the effort to understand him the way I have, and they simply do not see the goodness that I see in him. If he was some "neurotypical" guy, I would have dismissed him as a callous, insensitive jerk and would have thrown him out of my life a long time ago. But I know that he's different, that it is not entirely his fault for behaving in such a way, and that he would never want to hurt me intentionally. Try as I might, I don't think I will be able to find anyone else like him, which is why as long as he feels for me the way he says he does, and as long as he has not found someone else to love, I shall not give up in making things work.
I am so glad I found this blog. Keep on doing what you do best, Arman, and I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. You are a wonderful person, and you definitely deserve someone as wonderful. All the best in finding your soul mate.
Thank you D
thank you so much this mad me open my eyes i would like to work with kids that have autism and i told my boyfriend this and he shared with me that he has autism. when i found this out i was shocked and happy at the some time this made me feel even closer and love him every everday for the things he does. in a way i didnt understand why he wasnt always seeming like he wanted to see me on the weekends but now in reading in what you wrote i now understand why he does the things he does. so thank you for reassuring me that our relation ship will go and become something that i could have never imagine. i cant wait to fully understand him. thank you for allowing me to be one step closer to that. :)
Thank you. I am glad that you got something out of this entry.
Wow, very interesting.
There really is a lot of truth to this article. Growing up with both an autistic dad and brother, I can see many of the characteristics you explained here in the both of them.
However, obviously autism affects different individuals differently (as much anything in life does). Like to me, when I read this article I thought of my dad. He's pretty much just as explained here, but my brother is very different from this in a lot of ways.
That being said, the way my dad's autism is, he's actually very sympathetic towards people, but has a hard time reading people emotionally (at times) and difficulty explaining himself with his own emotions, but is very invested into people emotionally (when the person directly explains the way that that he or she feels)... Which does sound like a bit of a contradiction to autism itself, I know... but it's like he has some symptoms of autism noticabley stronger and weaker than other symptoms relatively speaking...
Honeslty, (perhaps from growing up with autistic individuals) I actually do somewhat prefer autistic or autistic-ish men when it comes to relationships generally speaking (though it's good to experience relationships with those who aren't autistic since they can understand you on a different level too).
I think because I was raised in an autistic setting, (and plus my personality naturally) I have always preferred people who are upfront and to the point with me, and once comfotable with a person (more so) I am very upfront with others as wel. Plus, there really are "a lot" of wonderful personality characteristics to appreciate about many/most autistic people.
I think what I love most about those on the autistic spectrum are usually their passion for things and their innocence in many aspects at times (even when they lack innocence in other ways). I think passion really is one of the most beautiful things to find in a person, and autistic people "definitely" have passion.
Autistic people are given way too hard of a time in society, "especially in relationships." When there really are tons of awesome things in life they have to offer.
Thanks for your comment :)